Brand New Day

I woke up yesterday.

You might be thinking that I’m stating the obvious, but what I mean is, yesterday, I Woke Up!  

I didn’t just come out of a restful slumber when my alarm went off.  No, my alarm went off, I rolled over, hit the snooze button and then had a realization.  I felt lighter.  I felt more free.  I felt Good!  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from, not just my shoulders, but from my entire body!  I celebrated by simply lying there, basking in the gratitude of a New Day.  A Brand New Day.  A New Beginning.  A BEST DAY EVER!

The back story.

I fell into the well.  Some call it the “dark night of the soul”.  It happens.  We fall.  We struggle.  We enter into the darkness.  

Sometimes we climb out easily or we ride the bucket back to the top.  We turn on a flashlight and find our way out of the tunnel.  

I got stuck.  

Wedged between the bucket and the side of the well where all I could do was watch the glimmers of light fade in and out of the darkness in the water in front of me.  The fleeting sparkles brought moments of joy during which I would forget that I was stuck in the well, and then I would remember, struggle, and get wedged in tighter.  

I would get mad.  I would get upset; then get upset that I was upset; then get upset that I was upset about being upset because, for God Sakes, I KNOW all sorts of Spiritual Principles and I facilitate workshops about taking steps BEYOND POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS TO LIVE A LIFE THAT WE LOVE!  SO WHY THE HELL WAS I STUCK IN THIS CESSPOOL OF SELF-DEPRECATING DOO-DOO???  WHY????

Analytical as I am, I did what any sane person would do.  I analyzed.  I searched.  I journaled.  I pushed my emotions aside.  I talked and talked and talked and talked and analyzed and felt like I was a non-mattering worthless no-good-to-anyone not-good-enough “wanna be” Spiritual Warrior with no business teaching, leading, offering anything to anyone, barely human kind of person.  Yeah.  I felt great!  Except that I didn’t.

I tried and I tried to find the right “tool” to make the well disappear.  

I talked with my Spiritual Guide who repeated things that she has been telling me for years.  That there is NOTHING inherently wrong with me…that I am Whole, Perfect and Complete just as I am, that I need to just let go and let God….allow the Divine to take over….the only thing that is REAL is Love!  That all that I’m feeling is based in fear, and fear is not real, only Love is real.  And much, much more. (All things that I “know” but did not yet fully believe for myself.) 

Throughout this process, I have been opening up, releasing, letting go of what no longer serves me and noticing that with each “letting go”, something else would pop up and take the place of whatever I just released.  

My “ego”/“false self”/“little me” was holding on tighter and tighter with each “letting go”.  Each time it would scream out, I would fall right into its needs and directions, sending me deeper into the well. 

Throughout this process I have also had many conversations with someone very dear to me.  Someone quite familiar with the depth of the well, yet also familiar with the personal path out of said well.  She was watching me flounder, wanting to help, and knowing that she could do nothing.  All the while, she was being sucked dry of everything she had because I had tossed her the rope, yet refused to get on the bucket.  

I kept telling her what I “needed” from her, not realizing that she had actually wrapped the rope around the pulley at the top of the well and tossed it right back down to me.  I didn’t see the rope dangling there in front of me.  I just knew what I “WANTED”. 

I “wanted” to know that I deserved to come out of the well, and “needed” her to tell me that I deserved to come out.  I wasn’t actually asking her to pull me out…just tell me that she thinks that I deserve to come out and all would be well.  In other words, “Validate my existence while I’m down here, please, then being down here won’t be so hard.  Oh, and I’ll come on out then…once you validate me while I’m here.  By the way, I can’t get out because I’m stuck.”

She informed me that she just could not give me what I “needed” and that ultimately, that was not fair to me.  In my mind, I saw her walk away from the edge of the well.

And so began my process of questions and realizations.

Was what I “wanted” from her and what I “needed” the same thing?  Somewhere from deep within that chasm, I began to realize that what I “wanted” from her was actually something that I “needed” from me.  But how to get there?  The scariest part was (still is) knowing that if I didn’t grab the bull by the horns (or bucket by the rope), then I was going to push her over the edge into another well and might never hear from her again.  NOT ACCEPTABLE.  

Fast Forward (Just a bit)

I am reading a book called The True You by Erica Rock. (www.ericarock.com)  I decided to practice what is offered in this book.  I gazed at a picture infused with Grace Blessings, meditated on it and then later in prostration I turned all of my “burdens” over to the feet of the Divine.  I meditated.  I journaled.  I called upon my Inner Guide to just take over.  I surrendered.  I let go of the “I can do it all by myself” attitude and instead of expecting or needing help from another human, I simply turned it all over to Source and said, “show me the way”, “what am I to learn from this situation?”  I cried.  A lot.  

Later in the evening I poured out my heart to an old friend.  In this conversation, she responded to something that I said in a way that I did not expect.  (I had released all expectations and attachment to outcome, and simply expressed myself.)  What she said struck a chord so deep within me that all I could do was stare and say, “Thank You”.  

I wrote a letter to the Angels (yes, I do this too….it is liberating) and asked, “what am I to learn from this experience?  How can I see through the eyes of Love?”

I went to sleep.

The alarm went off in the morning and I rolled over and hit the snooze button.  Then I had a realization.  I felt lighter.  I felt more free.  I felt Good for the first time in what felt like a lifetime!  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from, not just my shoulders, but from my entire body!  I celebrated by simply lying there, basking in the gratitude of a New Day.  A Brand New Day.  A New Beginning.  A BEST DAY EVER!

I got out of bed, grabbed my journal and filled a few pages with statements of Gratitude.  

I made a cup of coffee and read a section of The True You, which spoke of the experience that I had the previous day….the letting go of the ego or “false self”….the emotional turmoil…and then the “Magic” of things suddenly being different.  Tears came to my eyes, a smile to my face, and gratitude filled my heart.

I remembered my friend’s statement:  “It wasn’t anything to do with you, it was my fears….”  I realized why I felt so free.  In one simple statement, she offered me the eraser to eradicate from my mind the notion that there was something “wrong” with me.  It wasn’t ME that caused the “problem”, it was FEAR!  And the realization went further….  because of LOVE, she escaped her FEAR by returning to her safe place.  It was HER idea of LOVE.  It was perfection.  Divine perfection.

Then came the images from my childhood.  (I determined many years ago that I hold no ill will toward any participant in my upbringing, that each person offered me the best of themselves that they could offer at that time, given their knowledge and experience at that time.  This includes my amazing parents.)  All of that said, they had their own demons to fight, and the mind of a child does not interpret things in the same way as an adult mind.  The mind of a child creates “rules” based on what it “sees” happening in the world around it.  I saw the rules created by my child-mind simply vanish.  In that moment, I realized that it was an escape from FEAR that created the situations that shaped my pure mind.  As I watched my parents escape their fears in a quest for Love, I decided that, somehow, there was something wrong with me.  

(NOTE: I DO NOT PLACE BLAME HERE.  I OFFER GRATITUDE FOR AN AMAZING OPPORTUNITY FOR DEEP REALIZATION AND SHARING OF EXPERIENCE)

In this moment of reflection, I watched this belief of inherent unworthiness simply melt away like an ice cube in warm vodka.  

Fear drives us in strange directions.  Love comes to save us.  When we hide from fear, we miss the Love boat, though we might think we are on it because we are floating on a life preserver.  When we resist our emotions, they pull us down deeper and deeper, but when we ask the empowering questions and let our feelings flow, we simply ride the wave to shore. 

This morning, I woke up.  I saw the rope attached to the pulley.  I sat in the bucket and I pulled on the rope.  I filled my own bucket with self Love and I released all expectations of anyone else doing that for me.  I found the Joy in the moment.  I talked to my “little me” and thanked it for always “barking at the door” to alert me to danger.  I assured it that I would take it from there and that, with the help of the Divine, we (my “little me” and I) would always be safe.  I let go of attachment to outcome and made the decision to have the Best Day Ever.  And I did.  

Now, as the euphoria of yesterday has lessened, I watch from a new vantage point.  Looking down from the top of the well I realize, those fleeting sparkles in the water were my own light.  They were fleeting only because I was in my own way, casting shadows on the very Light that shines within me.  I now know that by letting go, I am guided by the Light within me.  The Light of the Divine within us all.