Self DIScovery....Self REcovery

This is a photo that my Mom gave me years ago.
It is only recently that the words have REALLY begun to
resonate.  And yes.  It's a bit blurry, the image... as has been
my journey of listening to my heart.

Finding our passion, getting to the Truth of who we are is not something that we can "do". It isn't even something that we can BECOME.  It is WHO we ARE!  Our "job" is not to to find our passion, but rather to REVEAL it, or better yet, to get out of the way for our passion to reveal itself.

As the revealing unfolds, our old ways/habits/ego tricks hold on for dear life and remind us of who we are NOT.

How, do we really know that is who we are not?  We know because those old ways feel like shit!  They no longer resonate with who we are revealing ourselves to be!

When we embark intentionally on the path of Self Recovery, we begin to notice when we feel like crap, when things just don't fit the way they used to.  It could be compared to a diet.    At first we may not notice the change in our body even though the scale may indicate change.  Then suddenly we need a belt with a pair of pants that were snug before.  The beginning of a diet often feels very uncomfortable.  Changing eating habits, new foods, releasing toxins all "painful" experiences.  The same goes for the inner work of revealing our True self.

Letting go of the old, allowing in the new (which, by the way, is not really new because it is the TRUTH), means feeling resistance, acknowledging that there are aspects of ourselves that we no longer wish to align with, but that we must acknowledge and love nonetheless.  It means getting comfortable in the discomfort and honoring ourselves for feeling shitty one minute and on top of the world the next.

Why am I saying this today?

Because this has been my journey over the last few months.  It has really been my journey for years, but it has really become poignant over the last few months.  Change the "we's" above to "I's"..... but I said WE, because I know that I am not alone in this trek.  None of us are.  I am fully immersed right now in this revealing and process that I am now referring to as Self Recovery, rather than Self DIScovery.  I am getting ME back.  A ME that I'm not sure I ever met before, but a ME that I know is WHO I intended to BE when I first made appearance here on this Earth.  A ME that is Love.  Pure, simple, Love.  That Love begins within ME and the more I allow it to surface from within, the more I can share and offer to others, to YOU.

I have come to realize that my Passion is to assist others in the realization of their passion and dreams.  It turns out, so it would seem, that in order to live my passion, I also get the pleasure of experiencing what my passion is NOT!

CONTRAST!

It is in the CONTRAST that our TRUTH is revealed and we (I) can make the decision to SHOW UP in a way that is CONGRUENT with the ME that I CHOOSE to share with the world!

I offer to you, if you happen to be on a similar journey, if you happen to be in the process of becoming aware of some area of dissatisfaction in your self or your life, just take some time to notice.  Notice what is happening for you.  Notice how you are feeling.  Notice how your thoughts align with your words and the actions that follow, and notice the feeling that results.  Simply notice for now.  Maybe make a note of it.  Then, when you feel inclined, review your notes OR review mentally and decide how you REALLY want to feel.  Then just keep noticing.

To Passion, to Noticing, and to the journey of Self Recovery!

Endless Love and Blessings to all.

The Authenticity of a True YES

Are YOU willing to say "yes"?

I am.

Well, I say that I am willing to say "yes", that I am ready to say "YES"  In fact, I say "YES" so loudly that sometimes I seem to blow out my own flame with all of the hot air that comes out of my mouth!

WHAT?!?

Yes, I'm calling myself a big liar.
I'm not the only one - big liar, that is.
Let me guess, now you're thinking, "Is she calling ME a liar too?" (Or maybe you're not because you are so secure in yourself and your own expression that you would never take anything that another person says to heart; or, maybe you are so sure of yourself that you don't NEED to hear what anyone else has to say; or, maybe I've got you wondering; OR, (if you are still reading) you are feeling some level of emotion rising up within you.  So which is it?)

What am I lying about?

I'm lying about how I feel.  I'm lying when I say that I am so ready and willing to say YES to life and to shine my light out in the world.  It's not that I don't want to be ready, willing and shining.  I mean, I do it!  I am out there doing it.   I am not, however, doing it with the utmost authenticity.  I realized this morning that I feel so very out of integrity with myself.
I notice when others are not being authentic.
I notice when others say one thing and do another.
I have been noticing lately that everywhere I look, there seems to be a mirror.  All of those aspects of self on which I place my highest value are reflecting back to me as either a shimmering star or a most belligerent gremlin.  Mostly I've been noticing the gremlins and they aggravate me.  The gremlins upset me.  I "act" as though it's fine.  I am a "spiritual" person, after all, and I am on the path of Love and Acceptance, so I just have to accept what is.  Yet somehow, I feel out of integrity.

Today's realization during a coaching call came as no surprise when my coach asked how I really felt about a certain situation and I said, "well, I don't like it, but I'm willing to accept it as it is", and I felt a constriction in my chest and throat.  Saying the words felt out of integrity with my Truth.  My coach pointed this out and gently reminded me that it's OK not to like something and to just be OK with not liking it, rather than "forcing" myself to accept it, just stop with not liking it - HONOR THE FEELING.

So I did.

I honored the feeling.  I don't like this particular situation, and that's that.  And you know what?  I can say that with ease.  It changes nothing about the situation, but I feel much more authentic and aligned with myself.

This simple realization allows me the space to shout out a robust and resounding "YES" to life without fear of squelching my own flame!  Why?  Because I no longer (in this moment....because this will be an ongoing practice while I "unlearn" some fancy tricks) 'need' to cover up/push down/squash my true feelings in favor of putting on a stoic, unfeeling show.  By the way, if you know me, you're probably thinking that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and yes, in some ways I do.  It is the deeper emotions, the ones that are the undercurrent for everything, that have been ignored and redirected time and time again.  Now that every other layer of this little sea has been washed away, there is nothing left to redirect the undercurrents.  They have risen up and the dam has broken and the flow is moving.  The best part is, I recognize that there was never a need for the damn dam in the first place!

To saying YES to life, to Truth, to YOU (and to me).

(It has been a roller coaster journey for me for the past 9 months or so, but I trust that it will be so very worth it in the long run.  The book The True You by Erica Rock opens doors for opening the heart and offers step by step guidance on navigating these sometimes murky waters.  My challenge has been letting go of my own resistance.  Even as a certified Grace Blessings Giver, I'm still practicing.)

Old Habits Die Hard….and sometimes painfully slow!

I've been posting about this "new story" thing for a couple of days now.   I have been telling myself this new story….  yesterday I fell into an old habit, one that is the antithesis of the new story that I am telling.  Someone very important to me pointed out that I continue to slip back to this same thing, again and again.

She's right.  I do.  And I'm not proud of it.

Deeply ingrained habits are just that....deeply ingrained.  Part of changing the story means changing the habit.  We have to truly WANT to change the habit, and the realization that it doesn't serve us is a key factor in kick starting the desire to change it.  I have a deep desire to change this particular habit, and that desire comes in many different forms.  The interesting thing is, the biggest catalyst for shifting this habit is also the biggest catalyst for my repeating it!

The book, "The Power of Habit" offers the following cycle of a habit...."Cue --- Routine -- Reward-- Cue  etc.  To change one aspect, changes the habit.  The cue may not be in our power to change.  The "reward" often remains available.  So changing the "ROUTINE" is a great option.

AWARENESS is the key!  For me, I tend to become aware AFTER the fact.... and I've already gotten my "reward", which in this case is NOT a beneficial thing.

Here's how it went for me yesterday.  I got the "Cue" (in my case, a statement made by someone I care about );  My "Routine" kicked in.  My routine is this:

I quickly assess the statement and form a conclusion based on what was said and associate it with my "gremlin" (aka Ms. Imnot Worthee).  Ms. Imnot Worthee "helps" me to decipher the meaning of the statement by telling me that it is something derogatory about me.  Translation?  Ms. Imnot Worthee and I create a story around the statement and I assUme that I have done something wrong or that I'm about to receive "bad news".  I then act on this story by asking a question from a victim perspective.  My question is actually from a place of curiosity, but because there is fear in there from the story that I and Ms. Imnot Worthee  have just created, it becomes a "victim based" question.

Next comes the "Reward".  Here I use the term "reward" very loosely, because this is generally NOT a desired outcome.    This "reward" often comes in the form of a cyclical discussion, which generates frustration for both myself and the other party involved and then my realization that I once again "told a story" in my own mind.

So WHAT TO DO????

The ROUTINE MUST BE CHANGED!  I have to have the awareness when I receive the "cue" that it is, in fact, the cue!  For example, yesterday, as I felt my heart begin to pound, rather than go to Ms. Imnot Worthee, I COULD have asked myself, "what is True?" and gone from there, from the heart.  THAT would have been a game changer.

Hindsight is 20/20.

In hindsight, I see where I fell into the old habit.  The problem is, clarity with hindsight does not change the outcome in the past.  The good news is, I learned from it.  Again.  Each time, I learn something new, something a little bit deeper.  It is extremely frustrating to keep repeating the same thing, and I am learning that the more frustrated I get, the more I repeat, because frustration leads to resistance!  When we resist what IS, we are placing more and more attention on precisely what it is that we do NOT want.  Therefore, what we resist, persists!  (I KNOW you've heard that one before, yes?)

The Solution?  The solution for me at this moment is to be gentle with myself, for once.  I am NOT letting myself off the hook, but by being gentle and celebrating the victory of recognizing the routine here, I am LETTING GO of the resistance.  Letting go of the resistance means that I am more open, more aware in any given moment, and therefore better able to recognize the "cue" and pause before pursuing the same "routine" thereby giving myself the opportunity to receive a new "reward" (aka outcome).

Before responding from the "story",  I am now asking, "What is True?", and the answer to that question, no matter what it is, shall set me free.

(As for Ms. Imnot Worthee, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she cannot handle the Truth, and I invite her back any time to remind me of the appropriate question to ask before I respond from one of her stories.)

What cues your "routine" (response)?  What "reward" are you receiving?  (This applies to any habit, by the way, from smoking to a sweet treat after meals, to repetitious thought patterns.)

What "To-Do"?

I love to begin my mornings in a somewhat "leisurely" way. This means I need to get up REALLY early. (let me add that lately, it has been a struggle to get up at all...details not necessary, but it happens to the best of us....and the key is seeing that there IS a gift in EVERY situation....then opening to the lesson, learning it, and shifting to a new practice.) Today, I have a later schedule, so can do a bit more and decided to read a bit from the book "You Can Create An Exceptional Life" by Louise Hay and Cheryl Richardson. It is an amazing book. "You Can Heal Your Life" changed my life a few years ago.... Anyway, this passage REALLY stuck out to me:

"For too may years I was in a perpetual battle with my to-do list, desperately racing to get things done so I could finally relax and enjoy my life. Now I relax and enjoy my life first." (Cheryl Richardson)

Although I have a semi-ritual in the morning, which includes journaling and meditating, I still battle with my "to-do" list and the contrast that I feel with wanting to simplify and enjoy my children and relationships. I am also KEENLY aware of the attachment that others have to their "to-do" list.

My take on this passage is this: YES, we HAVE to live life and accomplish what is on our "list", but at what cost? What is happening all around us that we miss? More importantly, what is happening WITHIN us that we are pushing away, ignoring, or overlooking? I've got all sorts of "stuff" bubbling up and ready to GET OUT, and diving into my abundance of task opportunities would be a great distraction. The thing is, the "bubbling" has become the greatest distraction so now I have to change my approach....make new choices. For me, it's a matter of shifting my focus in a very conscious way....recognizing the resistance and LETTING GO of the desire to shift the resistance that I see/feel from others. The scariest and most difficult part for me is just that....letting go.... What will happen? My first thought is, "what will I lose?" BUT, there's the key....CATCHING that thought and saying, "WHAT WILL I GAIN?"

What do YOU have to gain today by taking a step back from your "To-Do" list? (and doing whatever feels right for you to enjoy your life just a little bit more....to appreciate those you love and those who love you....to appreciate YOU and all that you have to offer this world....) I'd love to hear your thoughts!

From Fear to Faith

     I came across this saying in my photo roll on my phone today.  I needed this message, and I realize that this should have been my mantra for quite a while now.  It seems obvious, right?  I mean, why would I let my fear outweigh my faith?  Yet I did.  I have been.  It's time to shift.  

     So why would I let my fear outweigh my faith??  Because fear is sneaky.  It is a strong monster when we let it control us.  I know.  I've been living in it for a while now, but not realizing the control I was allowing it to have over my life.  It's not the "afraid of what goes bump in the night" kind of fear.  This is the "I don't know if I can do it - I'm not good enough - It's too good to be true because I'm not worthy of it" kind of fear that our "ego" offers us.

     Over the last couple of days it has risen to the surface more strongly than ever before.  In fact, as I type this, I can feel the physical sensations in my body that I have come to associate with anxiety based fear.  As this has come up over the past few months, I have created story after story around it.  The main story has been about relationship, but when there is nothing to place fear on there, I move on to lack of money/living space/job fulfillment/guilt/anything to create a story as to why I am "feeling anxious" or "fearful".

      In the midst of all of this, I have read the book "The True You" by Erica Rock and have been focusing on meditations around Grace blessings.  (Seewww.ericarock.com).  I have also completed Life and Leadership Potentials Training with iPEC, an amazing Life Coach Certification program and journey (www.iPECcoaching.com).  I have the tools to rise above, but I haven't been using them, so the fear and anxiety linger.  This has been going on for a frustratingly long time.  

     Can I "blame" life experiences and say that there is a LOT of change happening in my life right now, so it makes sense that I would be facing some fears and feeling anxious?  

     Yes.  And no.  

     Yes, I "CAN" place blame.  I've tried that.  I have looked outside of myself for reasons to feel fearful and I have found plenty of them.  By the way, that is what we call "giving away our power".  I have given away my power to other people, to circumstances, even to my own choices by not owning them and then blaming them for my "situation".  Is this helpful?  (all together now...) "NO!"

     There IS a lot of change happening in my life right now.  I am facing many fears.  I am human.  Therefore it does make sense that I would be feeling anxious and fearful, and so I have had a choice all along.  I could choose fear. I could choose faith.  Out of fear, I searched for proof that would support my "faith".

I'm going to say that again.

Out of fear, I searched for PROOF that would support my "faith".

(A definition of faith from Merriam-Webster Online: Faith: (1) firm belief in something for which there is no proof (2) :  complete trust)

     Who sees the discrepancy here?  (Yes, me too)

     I lost all faith.  Goals, intentions, plans for the future, desires I had, but because of my loss of faith, I saw each of those things from the other side.  My goals, intentions, etc. were all from a space of lack and limitation, so what have I been experiencing?  More and more evidence of lack and limitation.  

     [The Universe/God/Presence/Divine/_______ provides for us.  No matter what we need, She/He/It provides, IF we are clear in our intention and open to receiving!  (Note I said It provides what we Need, not so much what we think we should have, but clarity of intention is a subject for another day.)]

     What woke me up?

     Fear.  Yep.  What put me to sleep is what is also waking me up. 

     The catalyst for this has been seeing someone dear to me struggle with her own fears and challenges, and rather than be a source of strength for her, I inserted myself into her story and took on her needs as a personal thing.  It's a long story, but that's the gist.  Recognizing that one of my biggest fears just may be coming to fruition because of my choices has been my most recent wake up call.  

     I feel the fear, as I said, in my chest and solar plexus.  It's a feeling.  What is changing is the story that I am adding to the feeling.  It's easy to tell a story and the fear feeds on it.  Today, this moment, anyway, I am choosing to breathe through it.  Rather than create a reason for feeling the fear (and believe me, I have some great reasons), I am sitting with it, right here in the moment and breathing.  It is helping.  I am choosing, here in this moment, to have faith that it really is all working out.  I don't know the outcome.  I don't even know what is going to happen in the next 30 seconds.  I do know that as long as I keep breathing, I will get to find out what happens, and I will have the opportunity to choose my approach.  I have the opportunity to choose my intention.  I have the opportunity to choose what step to take in the direction of my desires.

     My choice in this moment?

     Just Breathe, simply on the Faith that the air will be there to fill my lungs.

                                  Peace and Blessings and boatloads of Faith

                                        "Sometimes you have to back off to go deeper."
                                                                                       -- Julia Ruocco

     This is the best quote I have heard in a long time....  well, I've heard a lot of great quotes, but this one today really struck me in a special way and on so many levels.

     This quote was shared with me in terms of giving my physical body time to rest as I recover from a "bug".   I soon came to realize that it has much more to offer.
     On a personal level, I am on a constant quest for personal growth and development.  Right now I am in a Life Coach Certification program with iPEC Coaching, which I consider the ultimate in personal development at this point for me.  (Taking nothing away from the wonders of intenSati.)  As I delve into this coaching program, I am recognizing the power of the fears that have both propelled me to where I am today and stopped me from fully experiencing Absolute Passion.  I am also recognizing the Truth in A Course in Miracles' definition of "miracle" (a shift in perception from fear to love).  The thing is, my experience up until this moment has taught me that when I am caught up in the midst of my fears, "trying" to shift to Love is a struggle.
     (In simple terms, it is a choice.  Do I view from fear, or do I view from Love?  Do I focus on fear, or do I focus on love?  The obvious choice is Love, right?  Of course!)
     But, what if it's not that easy?
     I spent the last couple of months in a space of fear.  Fear of losing something that was amazing; something with which I DID experience absolute passion.  I let my fears of not being lovable enough, not mattering, not being good enough get in the way of seeing my Truth.  The more I sat in this space of fear, the more I attracted evidence of what I least wanted.  I received back "confirmation" that I'm not lovable; not good enough.  (It is important to understand here, that what I received back was my own perception of "reality".... it's not that anyone said those words to me, but our perception  creates our reality....when we are stuck in the "shitstorm" of "thunder thoughts", that is what creates our perception.  Actually, all of our thoughts create our perception, but you get the point.  In other words, what we think about we bring about.)  I was thinking about what I didn't want.  And what did I get?  Just That!  I "lost" what I feared losing.  (I use the term "lost" very loosely, by the way.)
     Let's explore just a bit.
     Where I was....or "Who" I was.....
     I have lead workshops to "teach" people to move Beyond Positive Affirmations; to come fully into the vibration of that which they desire and to create the life that they want to live.  I came to a point of recognition that in order to continue this type of teaching and leading intenSati classes, I need to be in full integrity with my own desires.  I took steps to get there.  I turned my world and the world of another upside down.  I stated what I wanted and I GOT IT!  It was amazing.  And then came the "gremlins"....guilt.....not good enough....not deserving....."who do you think you are?"  and all of my own "teachings" went right out the window!  I stopped LIVING!  I succumbed to the fears and while I was seeing this happening, I felt so stuck in the midst of it that I just couldn't make the shift back out!  Yes, there were moments of calm - being in the eye of the hurricane rather than the twisted torrent of the tornado - but they were moments, and then KERPLUNK! right back into the fear.
     I resisted and resisted.  I knew I didn't want to be in this space.  I knew that I simply needed to decide to shift out of it, to shift my perception from fear to Love, and I tried and I tried and I tried, all the while creating more frustration for myself (and others).  Then it happened.  The wake up call.
     "I think we need a break".
     Those were my words.  You see, our inner guide always knows best.  Listening can be a challenge,  but the inner guide knows.  My inner guide blurted this out and we received immediate confirmation from our "love" that it was likely necessary.
     The fear of losing absolute passion became reality.  Sort of.  It depends how I view it, doesn't it?  My wake up call says this:  Letting the "gremlins" take charge and run your life leads to pain and suffering.  To grow, you must love the gremlins.  Let them show you your strength.  Let them show you just how courageous you are.  Let them reMind you of your Truth and let them be there to emphasize the importance of remaining self aware!
     I came to understand that the perception that I had, that I needed to "become" someone different in order to actually experience this absolute passion, was so misguided!  (fear based)  Just BEING Courageous, Loving, Charismatic, AWESOME, Strong, MAGNETIC ME IS exactly what is called for!  That's it!
     The challenge?
     For me, the challenge is Loving all of that within me while recognizing that the gremlins continue to rear their little heads.  (You see, when we are on the verge of greatness, that is when our fears/gremlins/ego hold on most tightly).
     The gift(s)?
     Learning to Love ALL that is ME while recognizing that the gremlins continue to rear their little heads, and viewing them with Love and Compassion!  AND, experiencing new and beautiful dialogue in a relationship that is both powerful and beautiful.
     Yes, I said I "lost" what I most feared losing (a woman with whom I share a depth of passion, joy and Love).  But what I really lost was the need to hold onto fear.  Living from a space of self love and absolute passion is a choice.  My fear lead me to believe that I needed the approval of someone else, or needed to meet the "standards" of someone else in order to be in that space and make that choice.  (Excess baggage that I brought along on this leg of the journey.)  My "guilt" over leaving a long term relationship and everything that goes along with it kept me thinking that it is not OK for me to experience happiness.  My "not good enough" phrase kept me believing that it was all true.  But, none of it is true, and it is certainly not Truth!
     I stayed stuck and NOT in charge of my thoughts, attitude or actions.  I relinquished my power to my fear.
     I received the space to come fully into the Truth of Who I AM, with the full acknowledgment and understanding that no matter what, Who I AM, is Who I needed to be all along.  I came to realize that the woman I love also loves me, as me!  I received a new wake up call.

     Time will tell what this space will bring in terms of relationship for us.  I know what I want, but I have also learned that attaching to an outcome is a dangerous thing.

     Fears come and fears go.  Shifting perspective is a practice.  It is a daily practice.  My empowering question:  "How amazing can my life be today, as I shift my perspective from fear to Love?"

     "Who" am I (now)?

     I AM someone who finds the gift in all situations.  I look for and I find the Joy in the Journey and I THRIVE on helping others do the same.
     I AM me.  I AM Absolute Passion, Joy, Abundance and Prosperity.  I AM Love and Grace.  I AM.
     This is the Truth of Who I AM.  This Truth never changed, I simply "forgot" by way of being overcome by fear.

     "Sometimes you have to back off to go deeper."  

Time To Soar

Have you ever found yourself in a place where you are REALLY READY to make a change?  Maybe you are there right now.  Maybe you are in the midst of it.  Maybe that time for change has been thrust upon you.  If so, are you resisting?  Have you made the decision  to create a shift in your life and now that it has begun, are you resisting?

As any Star Trek fan knows, according to the Borg, “resistance is futile”.

Change comes.  No matter what.  From the most minute detail to the outer reaches of the known Universe and beyond, change is the only constant there is, so why resist it?

As humans, we like to be in control…of everything.  

The truth is, we ONLY have control over our own thoughts, words and actions.  In fact, that is our birthright, our responsibility.  It is called Free Will.

I had an experience yesterday.  (If you have read the post just prior to this one, you know that I experienced an amazing awakening on Sunday.)  Yesterday, I woke up feeling pretty crappy.  It was like I stepped back in time a few days and nothing had changed.  Then I realized that underneath the feeling there was a new current flowing.  As I shifted my focus to the new current, I realized that underneath my surface mood was an understanding of true happiness and a belief in my own worth.  I wondered why I was in that space and began to ask myself why I was feeling this way as I drifted into an understanding that, if I resisted this current mood, I might remain stuck there for a long time.  So I shifted my perspective and, while allowing myself to feel whatever it was that I was feeling, I remembered how I felt on Sunday - elated, free, lighter than air….Happy.…and so very LOVED!  And I knew, that if I felt that way once and it felt so great, then THAT must be the Truth of who I AM!  So, why the muddling on this particular morning?

It struck me.  I was tired.  I did not have enough sleep the night before and was so very tired.  When we are tired, everything is different.  We are so busy just getting the energy moving that we lose track of who we are!  Yes.  It takes energy to remain mindful and it takes mindfulness to remember the Truth of who we are, especially when we are just learning to express it!  It takes mindfulness to recognize the thoughts that no longer serve us and it takes mindfulness to shift our perspective to new and empowering thoughts.  In other words, it is EASY to go back to our “old” methods when we are tired or otherwise distracted.  It takes practice to train our minds to stay focused on the new.  It takes discipline.  Even discipline takes practice and above all it requires LOVE.  When we begin to Love ourselves fully, we are much more willing to take charge of our thoughts and to exercise our free will in such a way that we are Mindfully moving forward in the direction of our goals and dreams.  Sometimes it requires a little push, maybe from someone dear to us, maybe from somewhere deep within ourselves, or maybe it was an experience that seemed to happen “to” us.  (Remember, nothing happens “to” you…but everything happens “FOR” you!)

Yesterday morning I slipped back into my “comfort” zone.  The difference was, I recognized that it was not comfortable there.  It wasn’t comfortable, but it was easy.  I could stay there and be grumpy and wallow.  I could choose not to do the “work” to get out of it and I could look around for all sorts of people or situations to blame.  I could also choose to recognize that it simply didn’t feel good, and I did recognize that!  I chose to shift my perception, shift my thoughts just a bit until I could form a few affirmative statements that were fitting for me and I repeated them.  “The Truth of who I am is happiness”.  “I AM worth it”  “I AM Love” “I AM more than this”.  And then a Rickie Byers Beckwith song began to play in my head….once Rickie starts singing, everything improves!  Next thing I knew, I was being asked for “material” on presenting uplifting and empowering life information to a group of girl scouts, I was spreading the word and getting folks exciting about upcoming intenSati classes and before I could blink, the mood had lifted and I was BACK!

Change is not easy.  But if we want to make a shift in our lives, we HAVE to be willing to step out of the comfort zone again and again and again.  (I say “we”, because I’m in it with you.)  We have to be willing to pay attention to where we are in each moment, and when we feel the fear, we need to be kind to ourselves.  Know that it is ok to feel the fear, but then remember the TRUTH of who we are - Love.  When we come back to that space of Love, all fear melts away and we are free to choose as we see fit.  We can choose to stay put, to stay in that place of “comfort”, even if we know that staying there is not serving our greater purpose, but maybe it just feels good; OR, we can choose to take that leap.  We can make the decision to step out of the nest like a baby bird learning to fly for the very first time.  We can feel the fear, but know that we have wings, step off the edge of the nest, and flap like hell!  Yes, we might just flutter to the ground the first time.  Like I said, it takes practice.  So we return to the nest, only this time we realize that there is a whole new world out there and we have simply outgrown the nest!  Here we recognize the shift in perspective, regain our strength by returning to Love (within ourselves), and we do it again.  Keep going.  Keep flapping, because it is time to SOAR!

Brand New Day

I woke up yesterday.

You might be thinking that I’m stating the obvious, but what I mean is, yesterday, I Woke Up!  

I didn’t just come out of a restful slumber when my alarm went off.  No, my alarm went off, I rolled over, hit the snooze button and then had a realization.  I felt lighter.  I felt more free.  I felt Good!  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from, not just my shoulders, but from my entire body!  I celebrated by simply lying there, basking in the gratitude of a New Day.  A Brand New Day.  A New Beginning.  A BEST DAY EVER!

The back story.

I fell into the well.  Some call it the “dark night of the soul”.  It happens.  We fall.  We struggle.  We enter into the darkness.  

Sometimes we climb out easily or we ride the bucket back to the top.  We turn on a flashlight and find our way out of the tunnel.  

I got stuck.  

Wedged between the bucket and the side of the well where all I could do was watch the glimmers of light fade in and out of the darkness in the water in front of me.  The fleeting sparkles brought moments of joy during which I would forget that I was stuck in the well, and then I would remember, struggle, and get wedged in tighter.  

I would get mad.  I would get upset; then get upset that I was upset; then get upset that I was upset about being upset because, for God Sakes, I KNOW all sorts of Spiritual Principles and I facilitate workshops about taking steps BEYOND POSITIVE AFFIRMATIONS TO LIVE A LIFE THAT WE LOVE!  SO WHY THE HELL WAS I STUCK IN THIS CESSPOOL OF SELF-DEPRECATING DOO-DOO???  WHY????

Analytical as I am, I did what any sane person would do.  I analyzed.  I searched.  I journaled.  I pushed my emotions aside.  I talked and talked and talked and talked and analyzed and felt like I was a non-mattering worthless no-good-to-anyone not-good-enough “wanna be” Spiritual Warrior with no business teaching, leading, offering anything to anyone, barely human kind of person.  Yeah.  I felt great!  Except that I didn’t.

I tried and I tried to find the right “tool” to make the well disappear.  

I talked with my Spiritual Guide who repeated things that she has been telling me for years.  That there is NOTHING inherently wrong with me…that I am Whole, Perfect and Complete just as I am, that I need to just let go and let God….allow the Divine to take over….the only thing that is REAL is Love!  That all that I’m feeling is based in fear, and fear is not real, only Love is real.  And much, much more. (All things that I “know” but did not yet fully believe for myself.) 

Throughout this process, I have been opening up, releasing, letting go of what no longer serves me and noticing that with each “letting go”, something else would pop up and take the place of whatever I just released.  

My “ego”/“false self”/“little me” was holding on tighter and tighter with each “letting go”.  Each time it would scream out, I would fall right into its needs and directions, sending me deeper into the well. 

Throughout this process I have also had many conversations with someone very dear to me.  Someone quite familiar with the depth of the well, yet also familiar with the personal path out of said well.  She was watching me flounder, wanting to help, and knowing that she could do nothing.  All the while, she was being sucked dry of everything she had because I had tossed her the rope, yet refused to get on the bucket.  

I kept telling her what I “needed” from her, not realizing that she had actually wrapped the rope around the pulley at the top of the well and tossed it right back down to me.  I didn’t see the rope dangling there in front of me.  I just knew what I “WANTED”. 

I “wanted” to know that I deserved to come out of the well, and “needed” her to tell me that I deserved to come out.  I wasn’t actually asking her to pull me out…just tell me that she thinks that I deserve to come out and all would be well.  In other words, “Validate my existence while I’m down here, please, then being down here won’t be so hard.  Oh, and I’ll come on out then…once you validate me while I’m here.  By the way, I can’t get out because I’m stuck.”

She informed me that she just could not give me what I “needed” and that ultimately, that was not fair to me.  In my mind, I saw her walk away from the edge of the well.

And so began my process of questions and realizations.

Was what I “wanted” from her and what I “needed” the same thing?  Somewhere from deep within that chasm, I began to realize that what I “wanted” from her was actually something that I “needed” from me.  But how to get there?  The scariest part was (still is) knowing that if I didn’t grab the bull by the horns (or bucket by the rope), then I was going to push her over the edge into another well and might never hear from her again.  NOT ACCEPTABLE.  

Fast Forward (Just a bit)

I am reading a book called The True You by Erica Rock. (www.ericarock.com)  I decided to practice what is offered in this book.  I gazed at a picture infused with Grace Blessings, meditated on it and then later in prostration I turned all of my “burdens” over to the feet of the Divine.  I meditated.  I journaled.  I called upon my Inner Guide to just take over.  I surrendered.  I let go of the “I can do it all by myself” attitude and instead of expecting or needing help from another human, I simply turned it all over to Source and said, “show me the way”, “what am I to learn from this situation?”  I cried.  A lot.  

Later in the evening I poured out my heart to an old friend.  In this conversation, she responded to something that I said in a way that I did not expect.  (I had released all expectations and attachment to outcome, and simply expressed myself.)  What she said struck a chord so deep within me that all I could do was stare and say, “Thank You”.  

I wrote a letter to the Angels (yes, I do this too….it is liberating) and asked, “what am I to learn from this experience?  How can I see through the eyes of Love?”

I went to sleep.

The alarm went off in the morning and I rolled over and hit the snooze button.  Then I had a realization.  I felt lighter.  I felt more free.  I felt Good for the first time in what felt like a lifetime!  I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from, not just my shoulders, but from my entire body!  I celebrated by simply lying there, basking in the gratitude of a New Day.  A Brand New Day.  A New Beginning.  A BEST DAY EVER!

I got out of bed, grabbed my journal and filled a few pages with statements of Gratitude.  

I made a cup of coffee and read a section of The True You, which spoke of the experience that I had the previous day….the letting go of the ego or “false self”….the emotional turmoil…and then the “Magic” of things suddenly being different.  Tears came to my eyes, a smile to my face, and gratitude filled my heart.

I remembered my friend’s statement:  “It wasn’t anything to do with you, it was my fears….”  I realized why I felt so free.  In one simple statement, she offered me the eraser to eradicate from my mind the notion that there was something “wrong” with me.  It wasn’t ME that caused the “problem”, it was FEAR!  And the realization went further….  because of LOVE, she escaped her FEAR by returning to her safe place.  It was HER idea of LOVE.  It was perfection.  Divine perfection.

Then came the images from my childhood.  (I determined many years ago that I hold no ill will toward any participant in my upbringing, that each person offered me the best of themselves that they could offer at that time, given their knowledge and experience at that time.  This includes my amazing parents.)  All of that said, they had their own demons to fight, and the mind of a child does not interpret things in the same way as an adult mind.  The mind of a child creates “rules” based on what it “sees” happening in the world around it.  I saw the rules created by my child-mind simply vanish.  In that moment, I realized that it was an escape from FEAR that created the situations that shaped my pure mind.  As I watched my parents escape their fears in a quest for Love, I decided that, somehow, there was something wrong with me.  

(NOTE: I DO NOT PLACE BLAME HERE.  I OFFER GRATITUDE FOR AN AMAZING OPPORTUNITY FOR DEEP REALIZATION AND SHARING OF EXPERIENCE)

In this moment of reflection, I watched this belief of inherent unworthiness simply melt away like an ice cube in warm vodka.  

Fear drives us in strange directions.  Love comes to save us.  When we hide from fear, we miss the Love boat, though we might think we are on it because we are floating on a life preserver.  When we resist our emotions, they pull us down deeper and deeper, but when we ask the empowering questions and let our feelings flow, we simply ride the wave to shore. 

This morning, I woke up.  I saw the rope attached to the pulley.  I sat in the bucket and I pulled on the rope.  I filled my own bucket with self Love and I released all expectations of anyone else doing that for me.  I found the Joy in the moment.  I talked to my “little me” and thanked it for always “barking at the door” to alert me to danger.  I assured it that I would take it from there and that, with the help of the Divine, we (my “little me” and I) would always be safe.  I let go of attachment to outcome and made the decision to have the Best Day Ever.  And I did.  

Now, as the euphoria of yesterday has lessened, I watch from a new vantage point.  Looking down from the top of the well I realize, those fleeting sparkles in the water were my own light.  They were fleeting only because I was in my own way, casting shadows on the very Light that shines within me.  I now know that by letting go, I am guided by the Light within me.  The Light of the Divine within us all.