I've been posting about this "new story" thing for a couple of days now. I have been telling myself this new story…. yesterday I fell into an old habit, one that is the antithesis of the new story that I am telling. Someone very important to me pointed out that I continue to slip back to this same thing, again and again.
She's right. I do. And I'm not proud of it.
Deeply ingrained habits are just that....deeply ingrained. Part of changing the story means changing the habit. We have to truly WANT to change the habit, and the realization that it doesn't serve us is a key factor in kick starting the desire to change it. I have a deep desire to change this particular habit, and that desire comes in many different forms. The interesting thing is, the biggest catalyst for shifting this habit is also the biggest catalyst for my repeating it!
The book, "The Power of Habit" offers the following cycle of a habit...."Cue --- Routine -- Reward-- Cue etc. To change one aspect, changes the habit. The cue may not be in our power to change. The "reward" often remains available. So changing the "ROUTINE" is a great option.
AWARENESS is the key! For me, I tend to become aware AFTER the fact.... and I've already gotten my "reward", which in this case is NOT a beneficial thing.
Here's how it went for me yesterday. I got the "Cue" (in my case, a statement made by someone I care about ); My "Routine" kicked in. My routine is this:
I quickly assess the statement and form a conclusion based on what was said and associate it with my "gremlin" (aka Ms. Imnot Worthee). Ms. Imnot Worthee "helps" me to decipher the meaning of the statement by telling me that it is something derogatory about me. Translation? Ms. Imnot Worthee and I create a story around the statement and I assUme that I have done something wrong or that I'm about to receive "bad news". I then act on this story by asking a question from a victim perspective. My question is actually from a place of curiosity, but because there is fear in there from the story that I and Ms. Imnot Worthee have just created, it becomes a "victim based" question.
Next comes the "Reward". Here I use the term "reward" very loosely, because this is generally NOT a desired outcome. This "reward" often comes in the form of a cyclical discussion, which generates frustration for both myself and the other party involved and then my realization that I once again "told a story" in my own mind.
So WHAT TO DO????
The ROUTINE MUST BE CHANGED! I have to have the awareness when I receive the "cue" that it is, in fact, the cue! For example, yesterday, as I felt my heart begin to pound, rather than go to Ms. Imnot Worthee, I COULD have asked myself, "what is True?" and gone from there, from the heart. THAT would have been a game changer.
Hindsight is 20/20.
In hindsight, I see where I fell into the old habit. The problem is, clarity with hindsight does not change the outcome in the past. The good news is, I learned from it. Again. Each time, I learn something new, something a little bit deeper. It is extremely frustrating to keep repeating the same thing, and I am learning that the more frustrated I get, the more I repeat, because frustration leads to resistance! When we resist what IS, we are placing more and more attention on precisely what it is that we do NOT want. Therefore, what we resist, persists! (I KNOW you've heard that one before, yes?)
The Solution? The solution for me at this moment is to be gentle with myself, for once. I am NOT letting myself off the hook, but by being gentle and celebrating the victory of recognizing the routine here, I am LETTING GO of the resistance. Letting go of the resistance means that I am more open, more aware in any given moment, and therefore better able to recognize the "cue" and pause before pursuing the same "routine" thereby giving myself the opportunity to receive a new "reward" (aka outcome).
Before responding from the "story", I am now asking, "What is True?", and the answer to that question, no matter what it is, shall set me free.
(As for Ms. Imnot Worthee, I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that she cannot handle the Truth, and I invite her back any time to remind me of the appropriate question to ask before I respond from one of her stories.)
What cues your "routine" (response)? What "reward" are you receiving? (This applies to any habit, by the way, from smoking to a sweet treat after meals, to repetitious thought patterns.)
2 comments:
Changing the routine is a really good idea. I remember Dr. Phil talking about how when he came home from work he would enter the house through the back door into the kitchen and then would eat his way through the kitchen. He wanted to stop this snacking habit. So he simply started coming in through the front door thus avoiding grazing through the kitchen. Now this isn't quite as deep an issue as dealing with Ms. Imnot Worthee, but still kind of the same principle, I think. You addressed many good points in this article! Keep being aware of when Ms. Imnot Worthee pops her head in and you'll be way ahead of her! Love.
Wonderful points and a heart worthy voice. Change is not as simple as speaking and writing.... much like love.
Post a Comment