I am.
Well, I say that I am willing to say "yes", that I am ready to say "YES" In fact, I say "YES" so loudly that sometimes I seem to blow out my own flame with all of the hot air that comes out of my mouth!
WHAT?!?
Yes, I'm calling myself a big liar.
I'm not the only one - big liar, that is.
Let me guess, now you're thinking, "Is she calling ME a liar too?" (Or maybe you're not because you are so secure in yourself and your own expression that you would never take anything that another person says to heart; or, maybe you are so sure of yourself that you don't NEED to hear what anyone else has to say; or, maybe I've got you wondering; OR, (if you are still reading) you are feeling some level of emotion rising up within you. So which is it?)
What am I lying about?
I'm lying about how I feel. I'm lying when I say that I am so ready and willing to say YES to life and to shine my light out in the world. It's not that I don't want to be ready, willing and shining. I mean, I do it! I am out there doing it. I am not, however, doing it with the utmost authenticity. I realized this morning that I feel so very out of integrity with myself.
I notice when others are not being authentic.
I notice when others say one thing and do another.
I have been noticing lately that everywhere I look, there seems to be a mirror. All of those aspects of self on which I place my highest value are reflecting back to me as either a shimmering star or a most belligerent gremlin. Mostly I've been noticing the gremlins and they aggravate me. The gremlins upset me. I "act" as though it's fine. I am a "spiritual" person, after all, and I am on the path of Love and Acceptance, so I just have to accept what is. Yet somehow, I feel out of integrity.
Today's realization during a coaching call came as no surprise when my coach asked how I really felt about a certain situation and I said, "well, I don't like it, but I'm willing to accept it as it is", and I felt a constriction in my chest and throat. Saying the words felt out of integrity with my Truth. My coach pointed this out and gently reminded me that it's OK not to like something and to just be OK with not liking it, rather than "forcing" myself to accept it, just stop with not liking it - HONOR THE FEELING.
So I did.
I honored the feeling. I don't like this particular situation, and that's that. And you know what? I can say that with ease. It changes nothing about the situation, but I feel much more authentic and aligned with myself.
This simple realization allows me the space to shout out a robust and resounding "YES" to life without fear of squelching my own flame! Why? Because I no longer (in this moment....because this will be an ongoing practice while I "unlearn" some fancy tricks) 'need' to cover up/push down/squash my true feelings in favor of putting on a stoic, unfeeling show. By the way, if you know me, you're probably thinking that I wear my heart on my sleeve, and yes, in some ways I do. It is the deeper emotions, the ones that are the undercurrent for everything, that have been ignored and redirected time and time again. Now that every other layer of this little sea has been washed away, there is nothing left to redirect the undercurrents. They have risen up and the dam has broken and the flow is moving. The best part is, I recognize that there was never a need for the damn dam in the first place!
To saying YES to life, to Truth, to YOU (and to me).
(It has been a roller coaster journey for me for the past 9 months or so, but I trust that it will be so very worth it in the long run. The book The True You by Erica Rock opens doors for opening the heart and offers step by step guidance on navigating these sometimes murky waters. My challenge has been letting go of my own resistance. Even as a certified Grace Blessings Giver, I'm still practicing.)
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